Enemies to Lovers

One of my favorite columns in the Internet Kalauz is the Internet Love Story, if for no other reason, because I also sort of met my love on the internet.

My story that I want to share with you and the readers is different from those written about in the column before. Here we ‘only’ realize that the internet is able to dissolve prejudices and how it can make us realize that ‘it is only with the heart that we can see clearly, what is important is invisible to the eye” (saint-Exupery)

The entire thing began around September of ’98 when I was hopelessly and I mean hopelessly in love with Aniko. Unfortunately she believed the several rumors circulating about me around school even though 101% of them are craziness. When she heard my name she wanted to jump out the window and that made me very sad. We have not spoken a word to each other yet she hated me. There was nothing I could do since she was not willing to talk with me.

I thought the only thing that would help here is a miracle. What could that miracle be? The Internet, of course, and a huge dose of coincidence. One afternoon I was at the computer club when I looked at the personal ads. As I was flipping among the ads I saw her name. That's when the cyber-lightning struck! I arranged for an e-mail address for myself under Freemail just so I could correspond with her. Other than giving her my name, I wrote only things about me that were true. The result of all this was that we fell in love. I virtually became two people: one Aniko was in love with and the other she hated! I felt pretty weird every time she complimented me but I could peel out only the person that I loved and who loved me.

Then came phase two! I wrote her an e-mail under my own name with my old e-mail address that I would like to meet her and would like for her to really get to know me, and by-the-way I really liked her. The answer was a unanimous rejection saying she already had a boyfriend (if she only knew that it was me) and that I should leave her alone forever. At the same time she was on wonderful terms with my alias, told me she loved me and if I was such a wonderful person she didn't even care what I looked like and would like to meet me in person. Now comes the Happy End: we arranged when and where to meet. She waited there and I approached timidly. The initial reception was the usual until she realized that she was waiting for me. I convinced her to listen to me and then I quoted her a few lines from the poem that my ‘other’ side sent her in e-mail. We embraced, kissed and are in love ever since, which I sincerely hope will continue for a long time.

The moral of this story is that if we treat anonymity with care and don't overdo it, it can be a distinct advantage that we don't see each other. In any case, we are very happy now and I have the internet to thank for it. Although I don't know what would have happened if she was not listed in the personals. Things would have turned out very differently, I may have forgotten her by then. A few clicks on the mouse can change your whole life. If this didn't happen to me I would probably not believe it possible.

So, what is Cyberlove?

Thanks to the late 20th century technology the Danish Maria and Martijn of Holland met on a chatline. For months they've talked and sent letters to each other with the help of their computers as they found themselves falling head over heels in love. It was then they've decided to meet in the real, not only the virtual, world. It was not easy to arrange as the young man and his lady were separated by 700 very real kilometers, but the date was a success and Maria and Martijn have been living together happily ever since. They've created a home page to let the world know how they've found happiness via the Internet and introduce couples who've met under similar circumstances.

MsGreenFields had hoped for a similar romance when she met her love on the internet. They've arranged to meet. The lonely young woman felt she'd finally found the man with whom she can live with in harmony and realize her dreams. Their personalities and interests were so similar and even their goals seemed to match well. She was not disappointed in his physical appearance either - the man was elegantly dressed, and the romantic champagne dinner, dance and the man's compliments and attention toward her during the evening all served to fuel her feelings of happy expectation. What could have been the happiest of nights turned into a nightmare when they got to her apartment. The man she just spent a wonderful evening with turned into Mr. Hyde and brutally raped her and disappeared. She didn't even have the opportunity to report the incident to the police. What could she have said about the man she knew only as StandByMe through electronic contact and who supposedly, just arrived from Las Vegas. More than likely, StandByMe continues to prowl cyberspace looking for new victims probably under a new nickname and, of course, unpunished.

These two stories are merely two samples of the many experiences you may find on different web sites that feature the topic cyberlove.

Throughout history men and women had used a variety of means to find each other. Internet romance according to some is a bizarre method, and others it is a 'natural' for the 90's, to meet potential mates. Reading enough pages of people's experiences one could consider a decent length novel, has formed an interesting picture in me of internet romance.

Romances formed on the internet follow a characteristic script. The development of emotional intimacy is a long process, sometimes taking several months. "Love at first byte" is rare although there are examples (Steven J. Baumrucher wrote a book by that title recounting his own experiences details of which may be read on the net). The initial light exchanges, whether by e-mail or in chat rooms, are generally followed by increasingly self revealing topics, where after a while the two strangers perceive each other as a true friend. Hearts open and an avalanche of e-mail crosses cyberspace carrying literary quality, electric messages are even enhanced with verses, virtual gifts (flowers, kisses, animated pictures). Could any heart with romantic inclinations resist? When you reach for the mouse with sweaty palms and butterflies in the stomach to look in the in-box for new mail - there's just no way to escape the fact - love has arrived.

In more fortunate cases the couple exchanged digitalized photos of themselves through the course of correspondence. This helps to ease the jolt of the initial meeting - which is a critical moment in every cyber love story. It is easy to understand if you realize what hopes and ideals our hero nursed up to that moment. (This reminds me of my colleague who showed up to meet his blind date - through a newspaper ad. He stood on the corner as agreed with a bouquet of roses when the girl approached. Poor Bela could not have slipped away unnoticed, but had a quick escape by saying - 'hello, unfortunately my friend could not come, but he wanted you to have these flowers.) Mr. Romeo must have felt far worse when after corresponding with his e-mail love for the past six months stepped off the plane to find out that she is not really a she, but a transvestite. That was the one minor detail his 'sweetheart' neglected to mention.

Whether in real life or in cyber space, there is real pain and disappointment that accompanies love or what was presumed as love. Many chose anonymity of meeting electronically thinking the distance provides a cushioning from the usual pains of a relationship. This is not true. Those who don't observe the rules of caution can suffer real and long healing scars. If we want to protect ourselves from the possible traps it would be useful to visit the romancesite.com website, where we can find many good advice and useful tips on 'how' and 'how not' to meet or flirt on the net. The web page contains real stories giving an opportunity to learn from the mistake of others and have a better chance to recognize the suspicious characters lurking in cyberspace.

Don't think the only danger to your emotions is the lies your partner may tell. Sometimes it may be what we do to delude ourselves that bring negative consequences. While these internet relationships are real enough the invisibility of the partner must be countered somehow and this results in generous doses of fantasizing for some people. There are those who easily lend themselves to daydreaming and loose their sense of reality. These people are prone to adorn their loved one with characteristics and appearance of a hero from a novel. It is difficult to escape from this dream back into reality unharmed. After the first kiss the prince turns into a frog and the story comes to an unexpected conclusion.

How does a cyber romance vary from a real life romance? Perhaps one significant difference is that communication plays such a large part. Words that convey feelings have enormous effect. While before a real date we fix our hair and our clothes, on the internet we polish our intellect, imagination and personality. In essence the sequence is reversed - first we show our inner beauty and only after it had won victory does the veil fall off the physical vehicle of that personality at the time of that first meeting in person.

It is a popular topic in cyberspace to debate whether or not true love can develop merely on an intellectual level, that is without the physical attraction, the familiarity of the other's appearance? To put it another way: is the physical appearance of the man or woman play a part in the relationship if through the exchange of thoughts and feelings they already fell in love?

Many say it is against the nature of love to be deprived of the sense of sight, the look, the movement, the body language being present. There are those, of course, who favor internet relationships claiming that the intensity of the emotional relationship that develops in such a way is superior to the mere stirring of the flesh.

Whatever the opinion may be on cyberlove - it must be said in favor of the internet that it puts people in touch with people that otherwise would never have met. I never would have suspected that the first person I met by e-mail would be a German chimney sweep to whom after a year of correspondence, although no emotional, but a common interest still binds.

There are examples where a real life relationship is damaged because one party gets entangled in a virtual romance that may turn serious. I remember a local newspaper carrying a story of a mother of three, who left her husband and children to live with a man who webbed her heart through cyberspace. Her story is not singular by any means. Ann Landers established a club for men and women who perceive the net as the demon that destroyed their marriage or lost their partner because they discovered Mr. or Ms. Right on the web. These letters and Ann Landers' responses may be found online at the Chicago Tribune web site.

It is silly to perceive the net as a demon, when we determine how we meet its challenges. While there are those who can use the net to their advantage extracting useful information, there are those who become addicts losing common sense, hopping from chat room to chat room, writing piles of e-mails full of lies to chosen victims and the virtual reality, the flirtations become a part of their everyday lives as some disease. One thing is true - the net is very addictive. According to the confession of a multiple substance addict, it was easier to give up cocaine than the IRC.

If, despite all we've said, there are those who still chose the internet as the means to find a partner, they can try the numerous IRC channels, Java chat rooms, the ICQ, online matchmaking services, correspondence groups or in a variety of mailing lists and newsgroups (alt.romance, alt.soulmates) or place their graphically constructed personal home page on-line through which one may convey to the world any information desired. There are many available choices, one need only live with the opportunity.

In any case - be cautious that you don't end up like Mr. Romeo. Keep your eyes open off-line as well - turn off the machine and go to a dance or a club, because most women still expect to be courted in a real, old fashioned, romantic way.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! " Jeanne's eyes were wide and filled with tears. She was afraid of what he would say to her.
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Jeanne was a nerdy girl with thick glasses. She was a junior in her middle school. She was in love with the hottest guy in the entire school.

And now, she told him that she loved him.

"Haha! Shut up. Nobody would like you! Who do you think I am?"

Jeanne had feared he would say something like that. She was devastated. She started running. She didn't want to face him ever again. All these thoughts and feelings ran throughout her head. Until, she bumped into something.

"Hey, whats up?"

She had bumped into James.

"WHAT?! I'll GO TELL HIM! WHERE DOES HE GET THAT NERVE! SOMETIMES, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HIS BEST FRIEND! THAT'S IT! i'M GOING TO GO BEAT HIM UP!"

"NO! James! Don't do it! It's not his fault. I was the foolish one to think we can ever date."
"But Jeanne!"
" No, it's OK! I should go."
" JEANNE... James grabbed her by the wrist as she was getting up. Don't go."

Jeanne stared into his eyes and felt so warm and fuzzy; a feeling she didn't feel for a long time. But, she looked away. She saw in such a long time, it felt awkward to feel it again. And then she gently took her wrist out of James' grasp and slowly walked away from him with tears in her eyes.

"Dammit, James! You really did it this time! Jeanne just left you! And why are you trying to hit on her?"

James walked back home with his hands stuffed in his pocket. Thoughts of Jeanne ran throughout his head. He didn't want Jeanne to be hurt by a jackass. He wanted to show her that he loved her. He wanted to show her he cared. But Jeanne just seemed to ignore him. And then, something ran into him. He crashed on the ground and saw Jeanne was on top of him. She seemed to not know whom she crashed into. James smiled.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I should have been more careful.. I'm sorry. Can I repay you somehow?"
"Jeanne", James said, lifting her chin and brushing her bangs. Jeanne looked through his soft eyes and almost melted.
"James..." said Jeanne. Suddenly, she started crying. James was shocked.
" J-Jeanne? What's wrong?"
"I' m s-s-such a f-fool! H-How c-c-can I th-think t-that G-Gyung H-Hoon c-can love me?"
"Jeanne.. I would not call that foolish.. I actually admire you going up to him and confessing. However, crying about him is indeed foolish. Jeanne, Don't cry about that jerk. Here, let's go to my house. We're right in front of it!" Jeanne nodded.

James led her to the bathroom.

"Take off your glasses. We need to wipe those tears off." He said with a smile. Jeanne took them off without a word. James turned on the water and wet a washcloth. Then, he gently wiped her tears off her face.
" James.. Do you love me?" James was startled by this comment.
" Why do you ask me that?"
" Because.. it seems like it. Do you?"
" Haha! Jeanne, you are my friend."
" Oh.. OK. I think I'm not so teary now. Thanks, James."
" No Problem. Do you want something to drink?"
" Um... OK." She followed James out the door.
He handed her a glass of orange juice and they sat down outside on a bench.
" Are you going to be all right?"
" Yeah.. Thanks. But I don't think I'll be able to face him again."
" When he calls you something bad, just yell my name. OK?"
" OK." she said with a small laugh.
" But what are you going to do when I call you?"
" I'm going to beat him up!"
" What if everyone starts hating you?"
" It doesn't matter. As long as the one girl I love is happy."
" Ooh, James! You like someone?"
" Yeah.. Guess. I'll never tell you until you get the right answer."
" Hmm... is it Amy? She's pretty! What about Lauren? She's nice and quiet. Or is it Becca? She's generous. Or maybe it's Courtney! She's not all that nice though..."

After a few tries, she gave up.

"Who is it? I'm dying of curiosity!"
" Let's see.. she has glasses.. she's in love with Eric, she's sitting right next to me! Jeanne let out a small gasp."
" M-Me?" James nodded. Jeanne almost passed out.
" James! I have declared you crazy." James started laughing.
" Why won't you believe me? I like you.. I want you to be my girlfriend."
" But you're the second hottest guy in school! What if everyone criticizes you for bad taste in girls?"
" I don't care¦ I told you. As long as the one girl I love is happy." he said, smiling.
" No, really, James. No games this time. All serious.. all right?"
" Yeah.. I know."
" Oh my god..." Jeanne said, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Jeanne, I just want to be the right guy for you." he said while putting his arm around her shoulder. She leaned against him and for the first time, she felt accepted by someone special.
"But, James! Why did you say I was just a friend before?"
"Umm! I didn't feel like it was time yet." Jeanne nodded. She knew how hard it was to say, "I love you." She knew how nervous you would feel. And she knew how hard it was to feel the reject.
"I understand, James. I'm just glad you told me. I'll think about it."
"Jeanne, do you still like Eric?"
"Yes!"
"What has he got, that I don't?"
"I just don't know! I mean! you two look the same! you guys wear things all similarly! but! I like Eric better."
"All right! I'll make him like you. He knows he's not going to win in a fight." Jeanne wrapped him in her arms.
"James! I'm all right. You don't have to do all that." And then he wrapped her in his arms.

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"Eric, can I see you for a moment?"
"What up, dude?"
"It's about Jeanne!"
"Oh no! don't tell me about that ugly! I just barf when I hear her name!"
"SHUT UP! DUDE, YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE HER A CHANCE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"Hey! I have other girls who want me. The least thing I need now is another girl who is ugly and slow liking me."
"She's not ugly and slow! She's kind and beautiful in the inside when you get to know her!"
"Wait! do you!?"
"Yes! I do!"
"Haha! Then why don't you date her?"
"Because! she's in love with a jackass!"
"STILL? Haha! Man, she's hilarious! After I rejected her like that?"
"Hey! please! it would mean a lot to me! just say that you at least like her as a friend and apologize for what happened last time. Man, she came running all the way to my house and started crying! She was just! out of control, man! Just tell her that! please?"
"All right!"
"You're the best!"
"Hey, Jeanne! I'm sorry for what happened last time. I was sort of tired and grouchy. I wasn't in a good mood. I never wanted to say it that way. I like you as a friend. And I want to keep that relationship. All right?" Eric let out a hand for a shake. Jeanne nodded. She let out her hand and they had a friendship shake, which made James smile.

"See? Eric likes you! He just wants to keep the relationship just as friends! All cool with you?"
"Yes.." she said softly. James took her hand and walked away with her.
"You all right, now?"
"Yeah!" she nodded. "But he only wants us to be friends! because I'm a nerd!"
"Jeanne! Why don't you ever think about me? You know he's a jerk! Why do you mope around for that! So what, if he doesn't like you! Everyone is different, Jeanne. To my eyes, you are a beauty. You can't always think about him! There are other guys out there for you! Not just Eric and me! I really don't want to see you like this."

"James! Do you really love me?"
"I don't think I need to answer that!" They stared at each other for a long time.
"James!" She tried to push him away and he staggered a little.
"Jeanne! answer this for me! do you love me?"
"James, I never intended to be your girlfriend. I just want to be your friend."
"Oh, I see! you're treating me like how Eric treated you. You don't want to be my girlfriend because I'm way different than you. You don't want to be my girlfriend because I'm better looking than you and you're afraid that people will jeer you because of that. Well, you know what? I don't care about any of that!" And with that, he grabbed her and locked her lips into his. After a while, he moved away.


"Oh, you really do love me!" She hugged him.
"But, Jeanne! do you still have feelings for him?"
"Yes! I always have, and always will."
"Do you want to be pretty? Like those girls over there?" James pointed to a group of girls. They all had big hoop earrings and what Jeanne noticed was that they did not have any thick glasses like her. Jeanne nodded. She was pretty ashamed about it.
"It's all right, Jeanne. All girls want to be good looking. Even they were ugly once. Everyone is."
"Really?"
"Sure! I used to act like a girl once. I always thought about my appearance, my clothes, and my hair ; just like a girl."
"Haha! That's funny!"
"It's good to see you laugh. Now, Jeanne. I'll help you become pretty'. Then will you be happy?"
"I don't know. I've never been attractive in my life.." she said innocently.
"Well, it's time you are!"






"OK! we'll start off with your hair. It's nice and curly. I don't think it's right to put it up in a hairdo or anything. Something needs to go with it. And I have just the perfect thing."
"What is it?"
"Jeanne! we need to pierce your ears."
"WHAT?!"
"AAAAAAAHHH! OUCH!"
"Well, that wasn't so bad! right?"
"Yeah right," Jeanne said, rubbing her ears. "James, it's even painful to touch my ears!"
"Then just leave them alone before you get an infection!"
"All right! Geez!"
"Now, we need to focus on your clothes. You can't always have a blouse with a tight sweater squeezed over it, you know. It looks like our school has a dress code. You should have a tight shirt with a miniskirt. That would look good on you."

"OK! now that we have all the clothes and jewelry, all we need to fix are your glasses. We need contacts for your eyes."
"How are we going to do that?"
"I know someone who can get us contacts. I knew my eye doctor for a long time. He can help us with it."
"So you want to give her contacts for these glasses?"
"Yeah. Can you help us?" "Well! the lens are really thick! You must be studying really hard, student," he
looked at Jeanne. She smiled and nodded.
"So! will you take them?"
"Yeah, I guess. I really like the design. It can be a display. And whoever wants it, can get it. All right, let's get you some contacts."
"That was pretty easy, right, Jeanne?"
"But it's pretty weird not pushing up some glasses every 10 seconds."
"Haha. But your new blue eyes look marvelous."
"Wait a minuet! You got blue contacts? BLUE?!"
"Yeah. And the extra pair is just regular hazel... the same color as your eyes."
"I want the hazel ones. I don't want to be a Caucasian."
"No. Don't you want to be matching with Eric? Eric has blue contacts, too, you know!"
"Fine!" Jeanne pouted. But James knew inside she was happy. He knew he was going to have to let go of her.

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On Monday, James brought Jeanne to school. Everyone gathered around them and agreed that James and the new beautiful girl was a good couple. James put his arm around Jeanne and took her to Eric.

"What up, man? Who's the chick?" Eric asked.
"You'll never know."
"So tell me!"
"You want to tell him, girl?" James asked Jeanne.
"Hi! I'm Jeanne." James and Jeanne smiled when they heard him gasp.
"The! the nerdy! nerdy girl?"
"The same, Eric! the same."
"Can I talk to you, James?" Eric took James away from Jeanne. "Dude, what the hell is happening here? That's not Jeanne, right?"
"It is Jeanne! How can you live like that? How can you live with one spontaneous idea stuck in your head? Can't you ever think about Jeanne being beautiful and attractive?"
"Well! no."
"See? I knew this was a bad idea. But she loves you! Can't you believe that? And I love her! so I'm letting her go to the one jerk she loves. Peace, man," and with that, James walked away. "Good luck, Jeanne." He stuffed his hands into his pants pockets. He tried to stop the tears from streaming down his face. Jeanne! if you love him that much! I'll let you go. I hope that jackass won't hurt you.

"So! You're Jeanne! The one I rejected?"
"Umm! Yeah."
"Well! I've thought about it, but I think I want you to be my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?"
"Yeah." Jeanne couldn't believe her ears. Thank you, James. "So! do you accept?"
"Of course I do! It's always been my dream!"
"Gosh! you have pretty weird dreams! Hey, you look cold. Here." Eric took off his sweater and wrapped it over Jeanne. Jeanne was so happy she was crying. Eric wiped her tears and comforted her.

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After school, Jeanne called James to thank him.

"Hello?"
" James! Thank you so much! It went so well between Eric and me!"
"That's! that's great, Jeanne."
" I owe it all to you. Let's go out for lunch or something sometime. I'll pay." Jeanne sounded so happy.
"Jeanne, I don't think that'll be possible."
" Why not?"
"I'm leaving! to Korea."
" What about your parents? Why are you going? How are you going? I just don't believe this!"
"My parents were dead a long time ago, Jeanne. I have enough money to get on a plane to Korea."
" But! what about me? I thought you loved me!"
"Yes, I do. But you're in love with someone else and I don't want to burden you. I want you to be happy with the one you love and not be pressured by me. Tell Eric that I congratulate him and tell him good-bye please. Bye, Jeanne."

Click!

Jeanne couldn't believe it. She was able to date because of James. She was able to get attractive because of James. She was always comforted because of James! And he was leaving her out by herself in the big, hateful, hideous world. She felt suddenly so scared. She dialed James's number again, but he disconnected the phone. She finally knew who was important to her now.

She quickly dressed into the clothes James had bought for her and ran outside. She was running for dear life to James's house. When she got there, he was right there, in front of her.

Jeanne was so happy she cried out, "JAMES!" He turned to face her. "James, how can you leave me like this?" James looked at her with his soft eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jeanne. I have to leave. My cab's here. Bye, Jeanne." James gave her a peck on the cheek and disappeared into the taxi. She watched the taxi disappear into the curve and watched her James gone! forever. She started crying and crying as if her life was over. But it was! she was now alone in the world, with no one to support her.

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-15 years later-

James came back to America as a successful lawyer. He came back to America in search for the girl he had loved 15 years ago. Everyone in Korea had questioned him. And now that he was back, he was able to search as much as he wanted. But, little did he know there was a problem with that.

"Eric?" James had called Eric. They were in touch the whole time James was in Korea.
" Hey! What's up?"
"I came back to America, dude!"
" Oh! Umm! OK!"
"I want to ask about Jeanne. Is she all right?"
" You see, James. There's something about that you should know."
"I'm getting a bad feeling about this!"
" Well, I guess you can say she's happy and well."
"What do you mean?"
" She's with God, man. She's gone."
"Haha. Nice joke. I'm not kidding. Tell me where she is."
"DUDE! I'M TELLING YOU! AFTER YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE LEAVING HER, SHE STARTED GETTING DEPRESSED AND GETTING STRESSED! IT WAS HORRIBLE, MAN! WHY THE F*CK DID YOU LEAVE? SHE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE! BECAUSE OF YOU, SHE HAD TO SUICIDE! WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DUMASS JERK! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER! I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT GUYS WHO FALL IN LOVE DO TO THEIR CRUSH! SH*T! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. REMEMBER WHEN YOU CALLED ME A JACKASS? You'd better think again.- Click! The phone fell from James's hand. He dropped to his knees in disbelief. He just couldn't believe it. He felt like everything was against him. He felt so angry with himself. He felt like ripping himself up. He wanted to follow Jeanne up to heaven.

For days and days, James didn't eat a morsel of food. He started getting so much stress.


-20 days later-

James was buried right next to Jeanne's grave. His tombstone read:
R.I.P.James Park
1980-2005

THE ONE MAN WHO LET GO OF A WOMAN AND LOST HER

Broken Heart Poems
Seek Not My Heart



Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,

Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?



Below the branches, here about,

Do not you sense my fear and doubt?

Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,

Do not you hear my woeful screams?



Upon the meadows, touched with dew,

Do not you see my hearts a'skew?

Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,

Do not you feel my jagged scars?



Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,

For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.

It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,

Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.

It's drifting o're the gentle rain,

A symbol of my silent pain.



It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,

Conjoined with all the sorrow there

SHORT LOVE STORY



It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."



With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.